Weary Hearts Rejoice

 Wow. It's been 3 years since I've posted in this space. 

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what I came here to say today, but I'm just going to let my fingers do the talking, and prayerfully, the Holy Spirit will speak to and/or encourage someone as they read.

Since my last blog post, so much as happened. Both in my world, and the world around me.

• Emmy is growing up. She is the sassiest, funniest, most joy filled person I have ever met. And I continue to be thankful she is mine to raise.
• The world is still in the midst of the Coronavirus pandemic. My heart is weary for all the people who have lost loved ones, I'm sad over the division in our country, I'm sad for the normalcy we have all lost. The past few years make Heaven seem so near and taste so sweet. I know, however, our God did not create us to live with a spirit of fear or intimidation in times like this. He wants us to be eternally focused, but present where we are, too. We have work to do, believers. This is nothing compared to how bad it will be before Jesus comes back. What a day that will be!
• Very recently, Wes and I made the decision to try and grow our family. I will go into more detail about the roller coaster this has been, but in short, we just experienced a miscarriage. I'm here today to share my feelings, perhaps help you develop empathy for people in this situation, and mostly share the love and closeness of Jesus. 

On September 11, I woke up before everyone else in the house and randomly decided to take a pregnancy test. I wasn't expecting it to be positive, but was hopeful nonetheless. After a few short minutes, I saw the two lines indicating that  new life was indeed beginning to grow in my womb. I excitedly woke up a tired Wes and shared the news. I think he was confused as to why I was so giddy at this time of morning, and probably just wanted to sleep. Later that day he said, "wait, was I dreaming this morning? or are you really pregnant?" haha. We were both excited!

I immediately ordered Emmy a tshirt that said "Big Sister" and a book called "I'm a Big Sister." We didn't wait long at all to tell our close family and friends the news.

I knew this pregnancy felt very different than Emmy's. With her, I was nauseous and asleep on the couch by 5:00 every day starting at about 5 weeks. I remember thinking, "wow. I'm not sick at all this time. Maybe it's a boy." I even made the comment to people several times that "I really hope everything is ok in there. I don't even feel pregnant."

Regardless of those feelings, the excitement grew with each passing day. It's amazing the hopes and dreams you have from the moment you see two pink lines. 

Late on October 4th, I noticed a tiny bit of spotting when I went to the restroom. It caught me off guard and I was worried, but also aware that it could be totally normal. I decided to get some sleep and just call my doctor in the morning.

October 5th: the spotting continued but was not bad at all. I did start to have very mild pain and let my doctor know. My doctor and his nurse wanted me to get to the ER that evening and have an ultrasound to rule out ectopic pregnancy. This is when my mind really started spinning. I was scared of losing my baby. I was scared of something happening to me. Just scared.

After several hours in the ER, the ultrasound showed a baby growing in the right place, measuring right on track, and a heartbeat! The baby's heartrate was 141, my cervix was closed, and everything looked like a "textbook pregnancy." We were relieved to say the least. I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, though. We left the hospital and were to follow up with my doctor the next day.

October 6th: more of the same. My cramping increased a little, but I couldn't tell if I was making these symptoms up in my head or what. 3:30 came and we were at the doctor's office. The nurse took me back to give my normal urine sample. When I went to the restroom, my heart dropped. The bleeding was so much worse. All that hope I had was gone in an instant. I reported what I just saw and what I was feeling. Everyone was very honest with us that this could be the start of a miscarriage, but that the fact that we saw a live baby the day before with a strong heartbeat was a really good sign. We were told there was definitely still hope that everything could be fine. I left there with a heavy heart and was told to return in a couple days for more bloodwork.

On my drive to get Emmy from school and head home, the cramping was getting increasingly worse and I assumed my fears were coming true. The bleeding was bad and the pain was unbearable for a couple hours that night. By the grace of God, it let up enough for me to get some much needed sleep. 

October 7th: I woke up in virtually no pain. However, early that morning I passed what I knew to be the gestational sac. From then on, the physical symptoms began to fade. My blood draw showed that my hcg was indeed dropping and I have just been handling it all from home. 

I am so thankful that it appears to have all passed naturally and am praying surgery will not be required. 

I just typed so many words about the physical part of this, but words are failing me to describe how I have felt emotionally. 

I think I will start with lies the enemy has wanted me to believe vs. what I know to be true in Christ Jesus.

• Lie: You did something wrong
• Truth: Miscarriages happen in about 25% of all pregnancies (maybe more) and are almost never the mother's fault. 

• Lie: People who are in difficult situations, that didn't even want a baby, can have a healthy pregnancy. That's not fair.
• Truth: All people are created in God's image. Those people are just as worthy of having a healthy baby as I am. Their baby is loved by our heavenly father. I will love them, too.

• Lie: What if you never have more children?
• Truth: God's plan is perfect. It was written before I was knit together in my own mother's womb. If I have no more children, one more, or many more, it is well with my soul.

• Lie: No one cares if you're sad. You should just get over it.
• Truth: Jesus cares about each of his children. He weeps with me. He also restores my soul.

“A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices. For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.”

With love,

Morgan