Our Diagnosis Story

To start this blog I thought I would go back and share the social media announcement we made about our diagnosis story.

When I first saw the positive pregnancy test that I left sitting on our bathroom window sill, I walked to my closet and cried. Tears of pure joy. Tears of anxiousness and fear. Tears of the unknown. Tears of gratefulness. I told Wes the news when he got home from work that day, and we hugged and cried a little more, and experienced every emotion you could imagine in that moment. More joy, fear, excitement, nervousness. This news was a bit of a surprise, but quickly turned into overwhelming happiness and we immediately began dreaming of our future, our baby’s future, our family’s future. The weeks that followed were full of a giddy feeling, wanting to tell our family and friends, but also wanting to wait for our doctor’s appointment that would give us some reassurance that there was actually a tiny human in there! The waiting seemed to take forever, but eventually it was time to share our news and that just made it more real and more exciting. We laughed and talked about what this baby would be like, who it would take after, and what we would name it. Seriously, some of the best moments I’ve ever experienced. My heart was full. 

 

Our next appointment would be our first chance to hear the heartbeat. Of course we were a little nervous leading up to it, but mostly excited. I remember pacing and thinking about it all afternoon as I anticipated that appointment. I left school and anxiously met up with Wes to hear this little one for the first time. When I heard the heartbeat come through the Doppler for the first time, I felt the most overwhelming peace and joy. It was SO cool. With another chance to hear the heartbeat 4 weeks later, we had the same emotions and the same relief/joy at the sound we heard in that little doctor’s office. Everything was right in our world. Wes made the comment that “well, he’s having a good time in there.” And I of course told him to stop referring to the baby as “he.” (Not like “it” is much better, right? Lol) 

 

Anyway, at that same appointment I asked our doctor about the genetic testing he had mentioned much earlier in our pregnancy. I admitted that I felt like I had selfish motives, but we wanted to know the gender as soon as possible because of a gender reveal party we were planning with our families after Thanksgiving. Our doctor said that of course we could do it. Not a single one of us expected to find anything wrong on that test. A week later my phone rang, another teacher was with my class, so I stepped into the hallway to answer it. (Didn’t want to risk the nurse leaving a voicemail and spoiling our surprise gender! Again, selfish and unaware). However, as I expected to hear the words “Everything’s fine! Do you want to know the gender?” I didn’t. Instead, I heard “I need you and your husband to come into the office later today.” I immediately knew. I’m pretty sure “oh my gosh” were the only words I could utter. The nurse proceeded to share that the results from our NIPT showed an increased risk of our baby having Down syndrome. 

 

I will never forget the feelings I experienced in the moments following that phone call. I couldn’t process it. I didn’t want to believe it. I was uneducated about Down syndrome. I was 24 years old, healthy and wondering how this could even be happening. And from that moment it’s a blur. I do know I made it down the hallway to tell my administrator the news and ask if I could leave early that day, then called Wes and my mom in tears. I don’t know what was said between anyone I talked to in those first few moments, but I do know lots of prayers began to be said. Prayers of praise to God for this child that he knit together perfectly. Prayers for this to just not be true, quite frankly. Prayers for peace and understanding for everyone this would impact. I don’t know how I was supposed to feel in that moment and I don’t think anyone could say unless they’ve been there. But I sobbed and sobbed and mourned a baby that I had pictured for 18 weeks. A baby I had never met. A baby that never really existed. But one that I expected. With that, I felt like I needed to let go of every hope and dream I had for them. Heading to their high school basketball games, dreading sending them off at 16 to drive their own car, watching them go to college and get their dream job. It consumed my mind. 

 

We ended up at the doctor’s office later that day to get more information, went to a MFM doctor a week later which resulted in an ultrasound with mostly good news, and an amniocentesis and more waiting for results. 4 days later I got another phone call and the words I heard on the other end of the phone were exactly what my heart knew was coming. Our baby definitely had T21 (Down syndrome.) The processing was different this time, and in a way much easier for myself because I felt that I had already began to accept it. The days before this had been hard. I had cried more tears than I could count, prayed for peace and a healthy baby, and even prayed that maybe this was all wrong. That the testing was wrong and this final result would be negative. I leaned on those closest to me and will never be able to repay them for all they did for me. The past couple weeks had been full of anger, fear, disbelief, uncertainty, sadness, and grief. (And yes I feel guilty about having those feelings, and I assume I always will, but there is no way to know until you’ve been there.)

Thankfully our feelings are different now. Of course the thoughts of the future still scare me, as I assume they do every parent. The unknown is terrifying, but how awesome is it that the One who holds our future is the same One that created sweet Emersyn and designed her perfectly. This diagnosis is no surprise to Him! Because of that, we will choose to focus on today and celebrate the joy in each day.

We now feel so incredibly excited to welcome this precious girl into our lives. I’m so grateful God knew my heart needed her. I can’t wait to see what she looks like, who she takes after, what she likes and dislikes, and what her future holds. I’m not sure why we were chosen to be her parents, but I’m so grateful we were. She is loved by so many people that it could bring me to tears. Her life, and our life may not look the same as yours, but I can assure you she is more alike than different. I encourage you to look at all children with special needs that way. What I didn’t know or think about in those most difficult moments, was that the exact baby I needed, the exact baby I wanted, the exact baby that had always been meant for me, was the one I had been carrying all along. Thank you, Jesus, for good and perfect gifts.

 

“Sometimes the things we can’t change end up changing us.”

 

This necklace has a set of 3 to represent Emmy’s third copy of chromosome 21 and they are arrows because before we could move forward with this journey, we had to be pulled back and stretched a little (or a lot).

 

If you’re still reading, bless you. And please know that our girl is something we love to talk about! Our initial fears stemmed completely from our lack of education about Down syndrome and what our life might be like. There are plenty of unknowns, but if you have questions, please ask! If we can educate just one person on how “normal” (don’t really like that word) she will be, we will be that much closer to inclusion and acceptance. We’re still having a baby and that’s what we’ll celebrate, so no need to avoid us or act any differently. Just say “Congrats!” as you would to any other expecting couple. We can’t wait to share her with you all!

-Morgan